I was a pretty serious tomboy as a kid. I mostly wore oversized t-shirts, jeans from the boy’s section, converse high tops, and most of my friends were boys. I was also a good student, and a well-behaved kid. Unlike many of the boys I considered my closest friends, I never had to sit on the hard polished wooden bench outside of the Principal’s office.
This dynamic apparently did not go unnoticed by my elementary school. In the 4th grade, my teacher paired me in a classroom with a number of these “troubled” boys. When my mother asked about this, she was told by the (female) teacher that it was because I ‘calmed them down’. My mother was furious. Why was it my job to make these boys behave? Why should my educational needs be potentially compromised or not taken into consideration because these boys needed help that the teacher and the school wasn’t prepared to provide? While she was enraged, I felt a different feeling – a strange sensation of pleasure at being “the one” who could solve all of these boys’ problems just by my mere presence.
Some of those boys were truly troubled. One died of a drug overdose in his 20’s. Others went on to college and law school and now have 2.5 kids and a hypoallergenic labradoodle (thanks Facebook!). Regardless of their fates, as a child, I was led to believe that it was somehow my job to moderate and improve the behavior of men. This evolved as I got older into an attraction to men who needed to be “fixed” in some way and the toxic conviction that I, and only I, could save them. Eventually thanks to a few searing heartbreaks and lots of therapy, I grew out of this pattern, and partnered with a man who only needs saving from his compulsion to binge-watch Breaking Bad while eating an entire ‘family sized’ container of hummus and a bag of pita chips.
However, while I have escaped this pattern in my romantic life, I have not escaped it in my professional life. As an adult ‘tomboy’ who has an easy time building relationships with men, I have a wide circle of male colleagues who I consider friends. Over the past decade, as I have become more aware of and educated about critical issues like implicit bias, white privilege, and sexual harassment, I have reached out to these men with the occasional email about topics such as the logistics of menstruation during field work and links to articles about unpacking the ‘invisible backpack’ of white privilege. I’ve talked to them about these issues at meetings, and pushed back on them when they make comments about students that are biased or unfair.
I do this in part because I know that if I don’t do it, no one will. These guys are not on twitter following the #metooPhd movement. They *might* know what intersectionality is but they certainly don’t know what it means to act on it in a way that best serves their students and colleagues. I didn’t see any of them posting Facebook photos of themselves at a #blacklivesmatter protest or the women’s march. Sure, they all voted for Hilary, but they probably hated the sound of her voice.
Last year I was at a workshop with many of these male colleagues, as well as many of the older generation – our own PhD advisors, post doc mentors, and the like. Also present was the only woman faculty member who taught in my graduate program. Before the final workshop dinner, we stood chatting with a beer. While I’d known this professor since I was an undergrad, it was the first time we’d ever talked about being women in our male-dominated discipline. During this incident, we stood in a field with beers in our hands and we looked over the assembled group. Our conversation turned to two of our male colleagues, whom I both considered to be good academic guy friends. These two were in a group of people talking, probably about science, grants, their lab’s latest Nature paper, who knows. Definitely not discussing who the worse poster session drive by harassers were, that’s for sure. The female professor turned to me, knowing I was close with the both of them and said, “it’s going to be your job to make sure they don’t turn into them.”
By ‘them’ she meant the old guard, the white men in their 50’s 60’s and 70’s who have lived their lives blissfully unaware of how sexism, racism, homophobia, and other issues have plagued their students’ lives and how they perpetrate these injustices through their actions and inactions. The men who had made this professor’s pre-tenure life a living hell, who had harassed female graduate students out of our program, who had never stopped to wonder why the vast majority of black women who walked through our building wore janitorial outfits.
I was so struck by her words. At first I felt a wave of pride flush through me. I felt proud that she was handing me this responsibility, proud that she though that I was up to the task, and that I was close enough to these two powerful men to succeed. Suddenly I was back in 4th grade, and it was an honor to be considered “the one” to fix these men.
But then the elastic of time snapped forward again — I wasn’t in 4th grade anymore. Anger set it, and it’s never left. Not at the professor, but at a world where it was my responsibility, and not these men, to be fighting for equality and social justice. A world where it was my job to teach them, to fix them, to make them care. Why is it my job?
I suspect it’s because I’m a white woman, which in my field, makes me an underrepresented group. And, womp womp, underrepresented groups usually have to do all or most of the work to make their professions more equitable for themselves. It’s probably because I’ve got halfway decent social skills. Because I’m trying to pay attention to sexism, racism, transphobia, and other critical issues instead of just thinking about my own research and writing grants. But regardless of the specific reasons, here it is, my job.
This work that I am doing is a tiny drop in the ocean of labor done to right injustices. The work that I am doing is nothing compared to what is being done by others. Yet I’ve decided that it is something, and it is mine. If I stop, no one else will take it up. And so, I cannot. In the past, my role in these situations made me feel special, needed, important. Now, my role makes me feel angry and determined. I do this work because I must, but I’m not going to feel proud of it. I’m going to feel resentful and frustrated and tired.
My respect and admiration for men who are not challenging themselves to grow and learn and be better has plummeted. Being friends with these powerful men used to make me feel a sense of self worth. If they thought I was smart / fun / interesting, then surely it must be true. The internalized misogyny of this reasoning shocks me now, and yet it is only recently that it has revealed itself to me.
I will lose friends over this. I probably already have. A few emails never replied to, a few gentle snubs. This, of course, potentially means that I have lost the ears of these men, that my emails asking them to learn more and be better will be banished into the far reaches of their inboxes. Maybe I’ve also lost out on invited talks and collaborations. I’ll probably never know. But I cannot make them listen, I cannot make them care. I can know, however, that I tried to push my colleagues towards change. In the process, I have learned to never feel proud of being asked to fix someone else’s bad behavior, but instead to take it on as work when I decide it is the right thing for me to do. I have turned to the 4th grader that still lives somewhere inside me and I’ve held her tight and told her that’s she’s special because she loves sea otters and reading books about horses and making spears out of sticks in the back yard. Her self worth, and mine, should never be defined by our power to ‘fix’ boys, or men.
15 thoughts on “Why is it always my job to fix men?”
Yes, I feel this, too. Thank you for articulating it for well.
Excellent post. Sadly, I know exactly how you feel.
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Sadly, it seems that from time immemorial it’s been the job of those from marginalized groups to fix the non-marginalized. Not only is it always the job of women to fix men, it seems it always falls to persons of color to fix white persons, the expected job of persons with disabilities to fix the attitudes of the able-bodied, etc.
The one thing I take issue with is the implication that if you’re not out at a protest or a march you don’t care about an issue and aren’t doing what you can to make a difference. Some of us are too introverted, have family, eldercare, or our own health/disability or other issues etc. which preclude this.
Good point — I used these as examples of how I didn’t see any visible sign of their activism, not intending to imply that public protest is the only way to be an activist. I should have been more clear that these were merely some of the ways that people can contribute.
Incredible post. Thank you for sharing these reflections.
Wow – I identified with this more that I expected… I haven’t been as explicit about it, or obviously even aware of it, so thanks for your thoughts!
Two things. Yes, we can each only do our own tiny bit, the bit that we feel capable of “fitting in” around our own lives – it never seems enough, but at least it is a little bit. And you never know who you have influenced with all these tiny bits. It is probably more than you realise. Secondly, I would like to pay tribute to your mother.
I’ll commit to listening, learning, not to be that kind of man, and to speak when I see him. I’m aware of some issues around social justice, but never thought of “fixer-complex” as a systemic problem, so thanks for an enlightening post. I’ll take pride if I ever succeed.
I have always worked hard to fix whoever is in my life that I can help and will continue to do so.
Spot on. Hugs.
“Being friends with these powerful men used to make me feel a sense of self worth. If they thought I was smart / fun / interesting, then surely it must be true. The internalized misogyny of this reasoning shocks me now, and yet it is only recently that it has revealed itself to me.”
Having recently gone through the wringer of tenure, I’m all too familiar with needing the approval of powerful men. Having gotten to know them pretty well over the past few years, I can also see how unenlightened many of them are. (It’s almost directly proportional to their arrogance.) But I’m realizing I’ve needed them in a partly subconscious, desperate way, since the field and my institution are so competitive, and I’ve wanted to make it to the next level. It invaded my self-worth too. I’m looking forward to reclaiming my self-worth and being a force of change, as my energy levels allow. There is unfortunately still so much work to do.
Yes! This resonates with me so much. I’m also recently tenured and I agree that it feels wonderful to be able to define my own success and not rely on others to define my worth for me. Hugs right back atcha!
Beautifully written. We can only try though, but never stop doing the right thing.
With love- Bee
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Hi, I’m probably one of these men. I mean, I am a white, straight, cis man with a couple PhDs and I was in academia until a few years ago. I’ve never had tenure (my academic career failed) and now I’m a science writer but, well, I was a white cis straight man in academia.
In the last few years I’ve started to be much more self conscious of my privilege and I’m educating myself a bit (not enough, admittedly). I guess I’m guilty -this is not rightwing sarcasm, I guess I was really guilty of a lot of things you correctly denounce. Yes, it should not be your job. Unfortunately, I suspect in practice it is. Yes, you’re right to be angry. Yes, I know you don’t need me to tell you you’re right, I just want to let you know that I acknowledge it.
Now, the answer to your question, to me, is simple: We live in privilege, and this means we’re like the proverbial fish in the water. Unless someone makes us notice, we don’t see the water -the water is all there is. But even when we see it, coming to terms with it means *losing* some of this privilege. It means working to not be privileged anymore. And of course there is an inner, selfish, primeval, subconscious instinct to NOT let go a position of privilege. So basically it is not only matter of waking up to intersectionality, privilege and so on: one also needs to be willing to let this privilege go, in the name of justice. It is not easy -this is not an excuse, just a factual statement. I did literally nothing to deserve this privilege, yet it can be painful to let it go.
So, I’ll try to learn and listen and let it go, but unfortunately many simply don’t want to put an effort into something that is perceived to put yourself on a lower standing than before, with less power to wield, less freedom (even if at the expense of others). And I know also that there is something resisting in me, about that, sadly.
I am sure you already knew all of this, but I’d like to know your take. Thanks for your insightful post.